It wasn’t at all a very good night last night. It was more of horrible. A nightmare, I’d say, one that consisted of conflicting thoughts, heart wrenching tears and snotty sobs and a fair amount of persistent crying.
I was hoping for a different turn out, despite my deeper subconscious begs to differ otherwise due to the sticky situation. As much as I want to blurt out everything in this blank text tab, I must refrain myself from revealing too much. It is rather a personal, close at heart type of issue. The involvement and publication of other’s identity involved is not on my list of things I wish to achieve right now, and I don’t believe it ever will be.
A part of me wish that things could have turned out differently, where my heart was not given hope, having it to be being in a stagnant condition of just being there. However, I do not regret having to give in as well, for it would be another memory that I’d cherish very much. It woke me up the whole day, bringing my very much dead senses back to life. Perhaps my heart was also resuscitated. I have a hope level, and before this incident, it was rather low. There are two parts to me that are in constant conflict- my brain and my heart. Or to put it in psychological terms, my id and my ego. Oh dear superego, please help me find a balance to all these.
Coming back to hope level, it was rather high that night. Having said that, being deprived of the hope being fulfilled into reality made my heart shattered, and emotions run wild. It was as if I was in a cage. I have willingly walked into it, closed it shut and threw the key away. There I was locked up- tamed, controlled. I have guarded myself and prepared myself mentally and physically to be stronger and to abstain, not from what but from who. From you. Upon hearing those words you uttered, you handed me the key and I without hesitant opened and stepped out into the place I promised myself and prayed that I would never return to. But the thrill of it, the longing back for it for just even a slight taste won over.
Hearing you say those words were as if the heavens open up and there was a sweet serenity ringing in my ears. Shock and disbelief at first, but peace was the after effect of having the joy and happiness slowly seeping back into me. The physical hug very much resembles hanging on to a lifeline- a promise from you. I missed it all. I missed the intoxicating scent, the gentle touch, the ever so apt words that provide the security I need when I’m in a mess, and the never boring and ever insatiable want of your company. I miss you.
My desire and cravings caved in the very moment you said those words, for I know that was all I wanted to hear for a very long time.
Then came night where my oh-so-high hopes falls ten feet below the ground and shatters. I admit, I tried to get my ways, knowing your weakness after having known you for so long. Having to not have my way, with my hopes destroyed once more and with the knowing fact that I brought this upon myself, was all it took for the old buried feelings to resurface and attack. I knew I couldn’t fully blame you, for I too had a role to play in it. And I asked myself, why did you do this to me? Why did I do this to myself? Why of all people, did it have to be you?
I am giving a reluctant faint smile as I type this and excuse for my lack of better words, why have I fallen for an asshole?
It just mystifies me and I am clearly dumbfounded by this. He is an asshole, smugly says my brain. But my heart defensively says, he is an asshole, but only because of the situation we are in. If tables were turned, he would act differently. And also because we’re all humans and flawed, he is this way. He did not mean to hurt you.
Deep down, I know well that he does not mean harm. Causing harm was never his intention, and I am dead clear about this. But why did it have to hurt so bad? Why couldn’t things be simpler?
Despite all these, I am grateful. I am grateful that we were able to talk things through. And just like always, you gave me the convincing I needed to hear from you to put my hopes to rest. And for this, I thank you. I thank you for your patience, your listening ears, your forgiving heart, your sorrys, your honesty and for that call even though it was risky. You knew it meant something to me, and you’re right, it did. It meant a lot. It made me feel at peace for feeling that this issue has been put to rest before I sleep, that you care enough for me to know that that’s what I needed to hear to calm myself. It gave me assurance that I didn’t somewhat lose you, that we both haven’t given up on caring for each other.
I don’t want to lose you, and I wish I never do. Perhaps another time, another place. Meanwhile, take care and always have a nice day. If I don’t see you around much, I’ll see you in dreamland. You know where to find me.