What She Knew

She knew he had to leave. Deep in her heart, she knew he couldn’t stay for long. It hurt her heart every single time he left, feeling as though bit by bit he took pieces of her she felt she’d never get back. But didn’t she give it away out of her own free will? Despite his advices to let go, she couldn’t. How could she? she thought, when there was a whole bunch of opportunities for the both of them staring back in her face.

It felt good to hug him. She buried her head deep onto his chest and tried to find the steady beating of his heart. As cliche as it seems according to the movies and novels, the beating of his heart did calm her down. It became her reminder, that this was not a dream, but rather a reality that he was present at that very moment. Every second that ticked by was a moment not to be wasted for she understood how limited their time together would be. Maybe that’s why she hated to sleep when they could spend time together. Maybe it was because she felt like tremendous amount of time would slip within the hours that they slept while they could be doing things together. Of course, she never really complained nor requested for them both to not sleep, for she knew he needed rest. Well, for other reasons, it was also because he becomes a cranky man when he gets sleepy.

My sleepy cranky man, oh why can’t you just stay? They say a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I don’t usually cook, but I’d cook whatever you like every day if it meant you could stay. A faint smile crept up on her face as that thought passed through her head. Breathing in deeply, she closed her eyes as she took in his after shower scent and tried to remember how it felt like to snuggle up in his arms. To feel safe and secured, to feel loved and be held equally dearly as she was holding him, was what she could never get enough. It was just like the issue of time. She knew no matter how much time given to them would never be enough. It would always feel limited, leaving her each time craving and wishing for that bit more. And he knew that too.

Usually she wouldn’t really bother on paying much attention to someone speaking to her when she cries, but he was an exception. She listened to every word he said and hung on to it as it was her sliver of hope. A promise even, she’d regard it as, and have it locked up in a treasure chest. She believed strongly that promises are meant to be kept no matter what the cost, and this principle of hers was no exception to him. As a matter of fact, she took it even more seriously towards him. But sometimes things just don’t work out and promises can’t always be kept right? Yes, she knew that too. But she was just too stubborn to admit it.

She remembered him telling her everything was going to be alright and she would do fine. Although he’d very much want to, he couldn’t stay.  He insisted she should get some sleep before her long day starts. Most importantly, she remembered he told her that she’d still be able to see him. Oh, why did it have to ache so much? she wondered. She was selfish for keeping him up like this. Another thing she knew. A flaw of hers that’s been becoming more and more obvious to others around her, including him. She took in one last deep breath and held him a little tighter, taking in everything that was happening at that moment – the deafening silence of their surroundings, the slight tickle on her neck as he rests his head at the base of her shoulders, the warmth emancipating from his body as he held her close. All these things she’d imprint them in her mind. It was these tiny details that she willed herself never to forget.

Watching him leave as he drove away, she felt as though the curtains are finally closing after a musical as she shut her house door weakly. The show has ended and a new day awaits. Thoughtlessly, she walked back up to her bedroom and tucked herself in bed. Not long she fell fast asleep as tiredness took over.

She knew she needed to rest and that sleep was what he wanted her to do. She knew because she remembered.


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